STORIES | angeltreefamilycare

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SAM'S STORY:

Hi my name is Sam (not my real name). I am 9 years old and this is my story. It was Saturday and I was getting ready to go and spend the weekend with my Dad. I always looked forward to my weekends with Dad, we had fun and he made me feel special. But then Mum came into my room and said I couldn’t go anymore. She wouldn’t give me a reason so I got angry - angry because I couldn’t go and angry because I didn’t know why. I know I hadn’t been naughty. Then Mum broke down and told me that Dad, my Dad – my hero, had been arrested. Suddenly I felt like my world had ended.

My Dad went to prison for something to do with drugs. My anger changed into hurt, confusion and shame. How could he do this to us, didn’t he love us anymore? I used to be so proud of my Dad and wanted to be just like him, but I wasn’t proud of him anymore – I was ashamed of him!

School became a scary place. Suddenly I became aware of other kids who talked about having a parent in prison, but they tried to make it sound cool, like it was something to be proud of. But it’s not, so I began avoiding them so I couldn’t hear their boasting.

I felt like I didn’t fit anywhere and I was scared all the time, scared somebody would find out that my Dad was in prison and then I would be bullied and my friends would ditch me. So I withdrew and became a loner to protect my horrible secret. I didn’t like school anymore. My marks went down, I couldn’t concentrate, I didn’t want to mix with other kids, and I lost all my confidence. Mum was worried about me, I could tell, but we didn’t know what else to do.

I wasn’t looking forward to Christmas, it would be all wrong without Dad. Then some Christmas gifts came from Dad. Mum said a group called Prison Fellowship had helped Dad to get them to us. Maybe he did still care about us after all. Prison Fellowship also invited us to some fun activities where all the other families had a parent in prison, and I got to go to a camp. I was worried at first but it was ok. No one was “proud” and we all just got on and had fun without having to worry about hiding anything or being bullied. For the first time in ages I began to feel like me again. This group also really helped Mum, I guess I hadn’t realised she needed support too.

Then Prison Fellowship paid for me to have Horse Therapy. I really loved it and it helped heaps. It was perfect for me cause I love horses. I learned to show the horse that I was boss, and he listened and obeyed my commands. That made me feel strong and I am so much happier now. My confidence is coming back and I am not such a loner anymore and it feels good!

Sam and his family are one of many families directly affected by crime that we have been able to reach and lovingly impact through Angel Tree Family Care.

Sam and his mother didn’t commit the crime nor was the crime committed against them but there is no doubting the impact both immediate and long term that it will have on their lives and the people around them. In fact statistics show that children of prisoners are 7 times more likely to offend themselves therefore our desire to break the intergenerational cycle of crime, seeing these children secure a crime free life for themselves.

John's Story:

John (not his real name) was a hurting young man with abandonment issues. He lost his dad to the prison system and his mother didn’t want to have anything to do with him. He lived with his devoted grandmother. In 2013 John and his grandmother attended every family event and meal and he attended camp for the first time. His behaviour would be described as angry and he was a bully. From 2013 through to date PFNZ has regular contact with this family with them attending everything we put on and us making house calls.

Following a camp we focus on getting the young people connected to an ongoing programme that provides them with a good role model, alternative peers and something positive to do with their time. After the love he received on camp and events John decided to slot himself into the local church and through their programmes for young people he has gained additional support, a good role model etc. Peter (PFNZ Staff member) has watched this boy change over a period of time as he responds to all the support and input he gets.

On Camp Survivor (Raglan) the most dramatic change was observed. He and another boy had a disagreement. Normally John would have simply thumped the other kid and as he is a big boy that comes easily. However, not only did he not thump the other kid, he chose off his own bat to go and apologise to the boy even though it had been deemed ‘not his fault’. The boy that was known to us back in 2013 would not have acted in this way. He had been far too angry. Around this time reports came from the school that his academic performance had increased along with improved behaviour.

With this change of behaviour in place his grandmother asked PFNZ to write a letter of recommendation, outlining the changes in him so that he could be accepted into boarding school. John was not only accepted but he has settled in well and performing well academically.

THE LONG JOURNEY

I dropped out of school and didn’t make much of my life. I thought I was a failure and then it got worse. My partner was sentenced to prison. He was the father to my children and I didn’t want to lose him but his sentence made me feel so much more of a loser. I retreated into my own world and only left home to go to the supermarket.

When he was moved to (Prison Not Stated) it was disturbing having him so far away but it also gave me an excuse to relocate and make a fresh start. Upon arrival in the (Region not stated) it wasn’t as simple as I had imagined. I still felt like everyone was staring at me and considering me a bad person so I went to the supermarket and visited my partner in prison, but other than that I didn’t leave the house. I had a big black mark all over my face. I did a lot of thinking and when my partner got out of prison and I still felt like a failure I went back to school in an attempt to turn my life around. From school I went on to do a degree. Life was hard so I added a part time job. It was scary mixing with other people who may learn my secret, but by this time I wanted to show my children that it is worth completing school and not having to study, work and be a mother. I was tired all the time and as my partner couldn’t get much good work we struggled financially. Now that I had relatives nearby I added visiting them to my routine. Then Prison Fellowship offered to subsidise my children going to camp in 2011. I sent the kids to camp to give me a break and it was a good break so they have gone to camp ever since.

I liked the PFNZ people and whilst my walls remained up I let them in a little bit. We enjoyed going to family events and it was good to have a place to socialise where I was not looked down upon. My partner was accepted too. Then when things seemed to be going okay apart from the tiredness that I couldn’t escape something terrible happened, my partner went back to prison and my life was shattered. I couldn’t open up and things went from bad to worse. Emotionally we were all rocked, but financially we couldn’t make it and I was getting more and more into debt. I had to say no to my children to so many things and the angry one cracked and ran away from home. She had been gone for three days when PFNZ contacted me saying they had made contact and my daughter was okay, but wouldn’t come home. They got her off the street that night on her agreement to meet at CYFS the next day, but she didn’t go to CYFS. PFNZ supported me and didn’t get in between me and my daughter, they were open to both of us.

Eventually my daughter returned home and PFNZ helped us out with clothing and food here and there. Finally though we were in over our head financially and we had to give up our house. Having nowhere to live my relatives took us in. There were three adults and eleven children all in the one house. It was crazy and we were managing. By this time PFNZ had provided a reference to my college and I was able to graduate with a degree and start looking for full time work. Early 2016 I was so elated I secured full time employment at a better rate and I started paying off my various debts. Before I was on my feet financially the landlord discovered us in the house and evicted us. It was after 5pm and we had to be out that day. It was really worrying. I had managed to find places to farm the six of us out at different places but had no way to move our furniture until PFNZ provided a trailer from one of their volunteer’s and took a car load themselves. It was dark by the time we finished but we got out.

A few days later I got accepted for a house. The children and I were relieved that we would have a roof over our heads and we could be together again. It was nice that people would have us but it isn’t easy living in other people’s houses. Having a house made me feel like I had achieved something for my children and that finally I was a decent mother. The relief on my children’s faces was very evident and it felt like we had finally come to the end of a long hard slog and we could finally rest. Then WINZ advised me that they wouldn’t cover the bond for the house and without that we couldn’t have the house and would be homeless once again. Suddenly I was in a very dark place and I didn’t have the courage to tell the children. I didn’t know what to do, but then I thought about how supportive and non-judgmental PFNZ was so I asked if I could have a loan.

They supported me through another visit at WINZ making one final attempt to get WINZ to step up, but as they didn’t PFNZ agreed loan repayments with me. They talked with the landlord and got them to give us a few extra days until they could make the payment and we got the house. You don’t know what it is like to be homeless until it happens to you. Being homeless high disrupted the children’s schooling, it changed them emotionally and watching that as a mother made my heart drop out of my body. My heart ached, I worried and I felt so utterly helpless and powerless. I had never been so gutted in my whole life and I felt like I couldn’t take any more. I am tired of putting on a brave face and keeping going. It is for my children that I have kept going but I just didn’t know if I could do it one more day when it looked like we were going to remain homeless.

You will never know what it means to me having people there to give me an interest free loan at a repayment rate that I can manage. For that gift five young people and myself have been rescued from a life on the street, a life which had so much uncertainty and put my children at risk of abuse and a sense of abandonment. They have been through so much. They lost their father, they lost a home that was on an even keel and then they lost that.

Anon's Story

“I am so tired, tired of feeling anxious and stressed. When will life just run smoothly for me? Once upon a time I thought my life would come right when my partner got out of prison, but that was about twelve years ago. Yes, I got my child back and got CYFS out of my life, but the rehabilitation my partner received was insufficient and he had no ongoing support. Over the years I have kicked him out and taken him back. My dilemma is that without him I can’t look after our six children and work, but with him I have to deal with his drinking and all that comes with that.

In 2014 I was quite relieved when he got caught driving under the influence yet again because it highlighted the problem and my hope was that it would turn him around. Dealing with the court, reality sunk in and I realised that he was actually headed back to prison this time and I would have to give up work to look after the children. With three children not yet at school and shifts not working round the children it just wouldn’t work. I became angry, so angry. Why should he sit back and have a holiday in prison whilst I do the hard yards out here. It has always been hard enough financially without me losing my job as well. My babies deserve better than this.

I was so thankful for the support of PFNZ who attended sessions with the lawyer, submitted a written report requesting the court consider Home Detention so that he could care for the children and they were there during the court case. The outcome was good and with my live in 24/7 baby sitter I could continue at work and he couldn’t get access to alcohol. However, PFNZ and I both knew that he needed some further support and intervention – he still does.

Around Christmas 2015 we hit a major issue when I received a report at work that my children were wandering round the streets in the dark because in his drunken state he had locked them out of the vehicle. What was he doing driving with them in that state anyway? I kicked him out. Faced with an ultimatum he went to sign up at the Bridge Programme, but then he got work so couldn’t follow through. ATFC stream of PFNZ had somebody from Whanau Link take my partner to his work induction with a view to then moving toward Whanau Link providing him with a Support Person and some help around the drink issues. I am still hopeful this will happen. I am so tired.

You would think my life has had enough but then the landlord wanted to renovate our house and we had to move out for six weeks. Who provides housing for people with a bad credit rating (thanks to my mother), with six children who only need short term accommodation. Talk about stressful. It didn’t matter that we were now in a better financial position. I realise we are fortunate in the support we have as many wouldn’t have that. We spent the next six weeks camped out in a couple’s living room and then another ten days in somebody else’s living room because the house wasn’t ready in time. During this time CYFS wanted to remove the children because we couldn’t provide them with a proper living arrangement. My babies are everything to me. It broke my heart the conditions they were having to live in, but what could we do but be thankful for the roof over our head and remind them it was temporary. It was good to have PFNZ to support during CYFS meetings and we didn’t lose our children.

Finally the house was ready just when the family that had taken us in had had enough. The rent is now much higher because the house is fancier and as a result of this we had to pay bond which we hadn’t before. Over the past weeks I had been putting money aside for the rent in advance and could do that even with the increased rent, but where was I to get the bond from? Now the hope of moving into a house just for us was gone. Now the risk of losing my babies to CYFS is a reality. I feel ill and want to give up. I am feeling exhausted and life seems so hopeless.

Then when all seemed lost PFNZ was there for us once again. PFNZ paid the bond direct to the landlord so that we could move in and we have an interest free loan with them. If you have used up all the help you can get from WINZ there is no other place you can turn. Without PFNZ we would have been destitute and that would have meant losing our children and having their lives stuffed up most likely by unfit foster carers. I am so very thankful and words are not enough to express the difference this has made. For now I can rest, breathe easy but probably only till my partner mucks up with his drinking again. There is still the potential that he can be unsafe for the children or could go to prison, in which case I couldn’t afford the rent on this place without his income as well. Our life will always hang in the balance until he gets the help he needs.

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